I wish it was this day.
i wish it were not cold.
I want to be in texas sun.
i want to eat soul.
(today is particularly drab.
not very exciting.
there are no leaves on the ground.
just snow.)
12.19.2008
this is not today.
I wish it was this day.
i wish it were not cold.
I want to be in texas sun.
i want to eat soul.
(today is particularly drab.
not very exciting.
there are no leaves on the ground.
just snow.)
12.18.2008
Life is Treating Me Pretty Well
My name is Celia. I am seven. I am in second grade. I was born at Albany Medical Hospital. Which is a very good hospital because people there don't make a fuss, they work hard and they don't fight. They are allowed to have fun there.
In live in Albany on Marion Avenue. I like to have friends over, because now my friend Rachel just moved across the street. I like Albany because it is not too busy and you can do so much that is free, like you don't have to be a slave and you don't have to do what other people say.
"how long have you and Michael been together?"
"six months"
I usually work, color, and listen on tapes. I work at the Hebrew Academy day school to learn there. I will probably study history, archeology and I would do greek. I love to read. I have been reading Harry Potter with my mom and Heidi with my dad. I am three chapters ahead with my dad and four chapters ahead with my mom.
" you know you are old enough to get engaged?"
"I am aware."
I am going to get married when I am 27. Right now though, I am going to an art class in Delmar. I am studying art that is very hard to do. I make shapes that you can not really follow. I am making an opera singer with a weird head and it is very hard.
"can I play Webkinz?" she says, obviously bored and ready to end this
In live in Albany on Marion Avenue. I like to have friends over, because now my friend Rachel just moved across the street. I like Albany because it is not too busy and you can do so much that is free, like you don't have to be a slave and you don't have to do what other people say.
"how long have you and Michael been together?"
"six months"
I usually work, color, and listen on tapes. I work at the Hebrew Academy day school to learn there. I will probably study history, archeology and I would do greek. I love to read. I have been reading Harry Potter with my mom and Heidi with my dad. I am three chapters ahead with my dad and four chapters ahead with my mom.
" you know you are old enough to get engaged?"
"I am aware."
I am going to get married when I am 27. Right now though, I am going to an art class in Delmar. I am studying art that is very hard to do. I make shapes that you can not really follow. I am making an opera singer with a weird head and it is very hard.
"can I play Webkinz?" she says, obviously bored and ready to end this
he shops at the mall.
My name is Jo, with an "E". I am from albany now, but I have only been here since last summer. I moved from Brooklyn, Bay Ridge. I lived in Bay Ridge my whole life. In the seventies, I lived on fifth avenue. I moved to Albany because it was too crowded in Bay Ridge and I needed a change. I also knew people here that I had worked with at my civil service job.
" are you a sociology major?"
"not yet."
I don't work right now. I retired about two and half years ago. During the day, I read, watch cable, rent a few DVD's, take a walk and play with my cat, Tubby. He is so big and so heavy it is just mind boggling. I am currently reading a book about privacy. Organizations compile data bases about people and than share the information. It gets used the wrong way. Its interesting because it can lend itself to identity theft.
I used to take trips to Albany, say hi to people, hang out. I mainly know Howie and his wife. I call them, they call me. We get together on sundays for football. We have dinner, pick each other up and sometimes I stay at their house.
"your short hair becomes you"
"really, thank you"
"no problem"
I enjoy Albany because it is less congested, there are 8.3 million people in the five burrow's of New York City, not including the undocumented ones. It's safer, the girls in Albany are generally more friendly. In Bay Ridge, someone says hello, you gotta think what do they really want. And it's less stressful. I would say 50% less stressful. I only drive in Albany. In Bay Ridge I would sometimes take public transportation but I mostly drove.
I went to college for geography. This qualified me to take my civil service test. I substituted the four year degree for four years of experience. I also traveled a bit to the south. Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana and Florida. This was before Katrina. It was different, you know what I mean. It was very laid back. I mean coming from NYC. It's high tempo in NYC. I couldn't believe how slow people moved down there. I haven't been to Texas. But I think that Austin is the capitol.
"Well, I am a flirt and I love it!" He says followed by a roar of laughter.
" are you a sociology major?"
"not yet."
I don't work right now. I retired about two and half years ago. During the day, I read, watch cable, rent a few DVD's, take a walk and play with my cat, Tubby. He is so big and so heavy it is just mind boggling. I am currently reading a book about privacy. Organizations compile data bases about people and than share the information. It gets used the wrong way. Its interesting because it can lend itself to identity theft.
I used to take trips to Albany, say hi to people, hang out. I mainly know Howie and his wife. I call them, they call me. We get together on sundays for football. We have dinner, pick each other up and sometimes I stay at their house.
"your short hair becomes you"
"really, thank you"
"no problem"
I enjoy Albany because it is less congested, there are 8.3 million people in the five burrow's of New York City, not including the undocumented ones. It's safer, the girls in Albany are generally more friendly. In Bay Ridge, someone says hello, you gotta think what do they really want. And it's less stressful. I would say 50% less stressful. I only drive in Albany. In Bay Ridge I would sometimes take public transportation but I mostly drove.
I went to college for geography. This qualified me to take my civil service test. I substituted the four year degree for four years of experience. I also traveled a bit to the south. Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana and Florida. This was before Katrina. It was different, you know what I mean. It was very laid back. I mean coming from NYC. It's high tempo in NYC. I couldn't believe how slow people moved down there. I haven't been to Texas. But I think that Austin is the capitol.
"Well, I am a flirt and I love it!" He says followed by a roar of laughter.
Leaving to Live
I think I can describe myself best as compared to a modest mouse song.
any modest mouse song. If I cant. Then I need to re-evaluate how I am living my life.
12.16.2008
Tuesday morning and ripping to roar. This is going to be my fourth day on the shiny new wagon. No more working for the man. Well, working at the cafe I was previously at was hardly "the man". For a while it was the best job I had ever had. With my over analytical nature and tendency to hold on to everything that I am already taking too personal, it got the best of me.
Tuesday morning and not going to bore myself about a job I dont have anymore. I am closing up the last couple of weeks here in Albany. Organizing three and a half years of thoughts. Releasing my possessions into the great unknown. Ready to redefine how I want to proceed with a life of moderation, a life of green living, one with balance. Balance in solitude, in consumption, self humiliation, in social networking and a balance with the past.
My first tattoo was one to help me find a love and compassion for myself. To recognize that I have nothing to offer if I cant offer something to myself. I thought that you had to be truly alone to find a love inside you. What I realized is that it is not being entirely alone, however, a balance in what you gain from self discovery and that of what those that surround you have to offer.
I have not found the self compassion I was looking for. With my history, the things I needed to find in my heart were often sought after in the bottom of a vodka tonic. In a town that practices clique ridicule and sexism as a tool for social networking, your soul starts to deteriorate much like a that of a drug addict. At least a drug addict has a drive. In this alcoholic town its hard to find people that are not waiting for their next drink, loathing in self pity while finding companionship in the misery of others. After a while, the passion and talent that you may possess gets thrown into a state career. Your search for a social outlet is sitting at the bar bitching about the same things I am bitching about now. I have never been to a town that is so uneasy with itself, one that has so many talented people and yet no drive to shine.
It took three years to find out how I do not want to live my life. Excessive behavior. Escapism through substance. A cry for the wolf when I really needed the lumber jack. This life put me into isolation and a depression. The depression was based strongly on the affect of what others thought of me. Others judgement in combination of how I felt the world perceived me left me scraping at walls and crying on sidewalks.
We all need a place in our lives that compliments. A place with constructive criticism without ridicule, coming from a relationship built off compassion, common interest and a desire to never settle for what your city is offering you. I want to live a life that is one with my city. I want to have a personal connection with the people, the roads, parks, events, community, progression and drive a city offers. I do not believe that Albany can offer this to anybody until Albanians learn to love themselves.
The only thing that is keeping Albanians down is the people that surround them. If you were to take Albany out of the person, they would thrive.
Tuesday morning and not going to bore myself about a job I dont have anymore. I am closing up the last couple of weeks here in Albany. Organizing three and a half years of thoughts. Releasing my possessions into the great unknown. Ready to redefine how I want to proceed with a life of moderation, a life of green living, one with balance. Balance in solitude, in consumption, self humiliation, in social networking and a balance with the past.
My first tattoo was one to help me find a love and compassion for myself. To recognize that I have nothing to offer if I cant offer something to myself. I thought that you had to be truly alone to find a love inside you. What I realized is that it is not being entirely alone, however, a balance in what you gain from self discovery and that of what those that surround you have to offer.
I have not found the self compassion I was looking for. With my history, the things I needed to find in my heart were often sought after in the bottom of a vodka tonic. In a town that practices clique ridicule and sexism as a tool for social networking, your soul starts to deteriorate much like a that of a drug addict. At least a drug addict has a drive. In this alcoholic town its hard to find people that are not waiting for their next drink, loathing in self pity while finding companionship in the misery of others. After a while, the passion and talent that you may possess gets thrown into a state career. Your search for a social outlet is sitting at the bar bitching about the same things I am bitching about now. I have never been to a town that is so uneasy with itself, one that has so many talented people and yet no drive to shine.
It took three years to find out how I do not want to live my life. Excessive behavior. Escapism through substance. A cry for the wolf when I really needed the lumber jack. This life put me into isolation and a depression. The depression was based strongly on the affect of what others thought of me. Others judgement in combination of how I felt the world perceived me left me scraping at walls and crying on sidewalks.
We all need a place in our lives that compliments. A place with constructive criticism without ridicule, coming from a relationship built off compassion, common interest and a desire to never settle for what your city is offering you. I want to live a life that is one with my city. I want to have a personal connection with the people, the roads, parks, events, community, progression and drive a city offers. I do not believe that Albany can offer this to anybody until Albanians learn to love themselves.
The only thing that is keeping Albanians down is the people that surround them. If you were to take Albany out of the person, they would thrive.
12.15.2008
Catalyst undecided.
I pulled out my sewing machine for the first time in a few weeks. I must say. Royal pain the ass. I am having a lack of inspiration, lack of go-get-it, and not much enthusiasm when it comes to putting together some handmade crafts.
Benefit in bust.
I had a garage sale on Saturday. It was a bust in the fact that I sold three items. Not surprised by the outcome. The weather was in the "there is snow on the ground, and the trees are frozen. so all I know is that it is fucking cold." I did get to put out all of my stuff, say good-bye, and really evaluate my materialistic characteristic. I purchase. Purchase. Purchase. Living in this capitalist country I consume. I work. Than consume. I justify this with buying from thrift stores, especially ones that are for a good cause. This in retrospect makes me feel a little uneasy.
Feeling stress.
I am moving in three weeks. Headed south. Austin. I believe that a bigger, better part of me will shine in the Lone Star state. My surroundings in the north have been detrimental to my well-being, to my inspiration and mostly to the growth of my soul. I plan to meet all the amazing people I have heard are there. Start a garden. Ride my bicycle in the winter. While I am doing all of this, hopefully I will be able to re-identify with who I want to be and what I plan to do.
I pulled out my sewing machine for the first time in a few weeks. I must say. Royal pain the ass. I am having a lack of inspiration, lack of go-get-it, and not much enthusiasm when it comes to putting together some handmade crafts.
Benefit in bust.
I had a garage sale on Saturday. It was a bust in the fact that I sold three items. Not surprised by the outcome. The weather was in the "there is snow on the ground, and the trees are frozen. so all I know is that it is fucking cold." I did get to put out all of my stuff, say good-bye, and really evaluate my materialistic characteristic. I purchase. Purchase. Purchase. Living in this capitalist country I consume. I work. Than consume. I justify this with buying from thrift stores, especially ones that are for a good cause. This in retrospect makes me feel a little uneasy.
Feeling stress.
I am moving in three weeks. Headed south. Austin. I believe that a bigger, better part of me will shine in the Lone Star state. My surroundings in the north have been detrimental to my well-being, to my inspiration and mostly to the growth of my soul. I plan to meet all the amazing people I have heard are there. Start a garden. Ride my bicycle in the winter. While I am doing all of this, hopefully I will be able to re-identify with who I want to be and what I plan to do.
12.13.2008
am i who i am.
the question of uncertianty.
i wake in the morning
a little brighter.
i take a shower
a little less heavy.
yet still
my thoughts are the wieght of the world.
where is my knowledge stored.
it must not be close enough to my thoughts to help.
so if these two,
are not in one.
than do i think with my head or my heart.
the days are a whole bunch warmer
even with the snow.
my heart still feels heavy
even with out the snow.
my eyes have dried from crying.
when does good night mean good night.
and when do you we really say good bye.
the question of uncertianty.
i wake in the morning
a little brighter.
i take a shower
a little less heavy.
yet still
my thoughts are the wieght of the world.
where is my knowledge stored.
it must not be close enough to my thoughts to help.
so if these two,
are not in one.
than do i think with my head or my heart.
the days are a whole bunch warmer
even with the snow.
my heart still feels heavy
even with out the snow.
my eyes have dried from crying.
when does good night mean good night.
and when do you we really say good bye.
12.12.2008
First Day on Etsy
I quit my job!!!!!
But I dont think that I am ready for an article about how I have made it yet. I quit my job out of frustration. I put into perspective that I should be living up to my own expectations of a happy life. even if this means being a little more poor. My goal to create an Etsy account started a few months ago. However, the upstate New York in combination with a spent job put me in a lull.
Now I am going to be moving in a month. I think I have gotten my Pep back in Jaunt.
But I dont think that I am ready for an article about how I have made it yet. I quit my job out of frustration. I put into perspective that I should be living up to my own expectations of a happy life. even if this means being a little more poor. My goal to create an Etsy account started a few months ago. However, the upstate New York in combination with a spent job put me in a lull.
Now I am going to be moving in a month. I think I have gotten my Pep back in Jaunt.
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